as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
did you just send me my own nude
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
