if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
