I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
