this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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