My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
