I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
