well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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