did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
