I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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