i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
