From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
