I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
