My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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