Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
