Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I bet he comes in French.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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