Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize