I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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