I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
as a side note pls kill me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize