i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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