Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
