I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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