I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
