Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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