apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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