no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
