cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
