just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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