He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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