just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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