So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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