we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
