You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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