I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
