The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
