It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
