Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize