seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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