i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
