I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
