Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
