do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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