just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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