Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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