I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
