I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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