my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
