I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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