woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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