if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They have beer where we have blood.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
