I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
