If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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