a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
