oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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