i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
