How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
