You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Im part way to drunk.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
