Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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