If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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