i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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