im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
