you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
