I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
