went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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