I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
